Adressing the Issue Again

Five to ten this morning, the phone rings.

It was the Place My Dress Is Lurking.

My dress- which I was supposed to be picking up from the shop tomorrow morning- is not back from the cleaners yet. My dress, for that matter, has not even been cleaned yet. Apparently, they're lacking a piece of paper with my signature on it saying I accept responsibility for them cleaning my dress. What?

There are now only three days before I leave for France, three days which are also a Bank Holiday weekend. This Could Be A Problem.

Apparently, they're going to clean it tonight and it will be delivered tomorrow by courier. Hopefully. Maybe. I blame the gnomes. Wish me luck and watch this space.

Going to hide in my cupboard now. My mother is trying to play the piano and it's not pretty.

Moomins and Jelly Babies

Zis weekend, Ze Boy and I have been in Finland.
We have now finnished being in Finland (de dum CHING!).

No More Penguins presents its official congratulations to Mark and Hanna for the whole getting married thing. Getting married is a Good Thing. Inviting us is also a Good Thing, or at least, we think so. We've invited ourselves to our wedding, anyway. Just ours isn't in Finland.

We brought some gherkins (long story) and some Moomin biscuits back for the tribe. The tribe, in our absence, got us jelly babies (another long story).

Cue discussion after tea last night:

M: "Who d'you think'd win in a fight between a Moomin and a Jelly Baby?"

(Cue attempts to make jelly baby and Moomin biscuit fight. I bet on the jelly baby, but it got squashed before the Moomin biscuit broke, so I lost).

ZB: (must restrain self, must not type in French accent....) "Oooo, what do you think the child of a Moomin and a jelly baby would look like?" (Picks one of each out of packets, makes them talk to each other then scuttle off behind a bowl on the table...)

M: "I will not have biscuit porn on my kitchen table!" (tries to send youngest tribe-member to bed as biscuits are now engaging in inappropriate activity)

NMP, in mean time, has been occupied splicing the head of a Moomin onto the body of a jelly-baby in Frankinsteinesque scene of genetic modification. The resulting being was declared somewhat scary and its creation fundamentally immoral.

Result: Moomins beat jelly babies. Babies of Moomins and jelly babies are stronger than both but their creation is morally reprehensible. We're stronger than all of them, so we get to eat the lot.

Mwahahahahaha.

Shopper Profile No.2

I've had an eventful couple of weeks, and I'm no longer working at The Shop, but I thought I might as well carry on with the shopper profiles....

The Little Green Backpack (n).

The Little Green Backpack (LG- not LGB, that's something quite different) somewhat resembles a juvenile LWB but is far more pleasant to deal with. Native to south America (often Argentina), the LG travels in small herds accompanied by an adult.

Key Traits: attempts to buy a tie for its father and an ornamental thimble for its mother in very basic English. (Incidentally, I now know the word for "thimble" in a number of languages. I feel this is an important life skill). Very polite. Key phrases include "how many much this please?".

NMP reaction: Why can't the Locusts With Backpacks be more like this? Can I have one? Squeeeee!

Next: The New One Preez?

Shopper Profile no. 1

Locust with Backpack (n). Teenager from EFL (English as a Foreign Language) school in the Cambridge area. The LWB is easy to identify and travels mostly in swarms with others with the same coloured backpack. 

Key Traits: Talks very loudly. Often, five or more will cluster around one individual who may or may not buy a £7.50 tshirt. Takes great pleasure in pulling stock off shelves and leaving it in wrong place. Extreme cases may actually throw goods on floor whilst looking sales staff in eye. Rarely says "please" or "thank you", although one might think that, with all the money their parents pay for them to spend several weeks learning English, they would be aware of such rudimentary phrases.

NMP Reaction: Shock, desire to "write to their parents and tell them what their children have been doing" and/or refusal to help until they say "please". Example:

LWB: I need this in blue.

NMP: (pause...) You need, or you would like?

LWB: ermmmm.... I would like, please.

NMP: (smiles) Of course, I'll go and get you one from upstairs.

Not to be confused with: the LGB (Little Green Backpack). See next entry.

That Friday Feeling

You may have noticed I've not been around much recently. This is because I have been working and translating and trying to plan a wedding. I would still have the time to post things, but the thing is, I don't seem to have the surplus mental capacity. By the end of the day, I even lose the ability to count in multiples of £5.99. It's becoming a problem.

The good news?

Today is FRIDAY! Well, on my planet it is. I'm not at work for the next two days, therefore it must be the weekend, therefore today is Friday, no?

(Please don't pop my happy Friday bubble. If you do, I will have to go and hide in my cupboard until things get better, and that may take some time).