No More Penguins?

No. No More Penguins.

Well...we're getting there.

Some time ago- around the beginning of this century- a small colony of penguins, driven out of Antarctica by global warming, took up residence in my bedroom. At first, I thought nothing of it. But every year, on two precise dates- namely 25th December and 9th August- another penguin or two (or three, or four) would arrive. It should be noted at this point that my bedroom is a more-or-less ideal location for a penguin colony; not only is it north-facing (as a nesting site at the South Pole would undoubtedly be) but also COLD. Ah yes, THAT cold, the kind with capital letters. If ever anyone wanted to study the effects of double glazing, the temperature difference between the ground floor and the top floor of our house would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that a) it works, and b) it is GOOD.

I began to notice something fishy going on when the penguins started keeping haddock on my bookshelves (euhhh... sorry, I couldn't resist). In any event, by 2004 the penguin situation was beginning to get out of hand; this led to the establishment of what some refer to as the Spring Penguin Cull (I prefer to call it 'rehousing') whereby a number are evicted at random. This allows me to deal with the biannual penguin influx without too much bother.

The next step, clearly, is to stop the penguins getting in. Unfortunately, using their immeasurable cunning, the penguins have managed to convince members of my immediate family to help them.

This Christmas, an important victory was won for the anti-penguin cause. My youngest sister, one of those fallen furthest under the influence of the penguins, resisted their pleading and gave me silicone cupcake moulds instead (M, if you're reading this, thanks, I've been after some of those for ages!). The incoming penguin count for Christmas 2009 stands at 11, of which 10 were small and edible and, oddly enough, made of chocolate. Mmmm, penguin. In any case, the colony has not grown significantly.

Maybe once we get double glazing they'll all up and leave. Maybe.